April 6, 2025

If I tell you how I'm feeling 
if I were really honest
I'm scared I'd see you break. 
Watch the tears fall as the perfect idea of me 
crumbles away
Cause that person doesn't exist. 
I tried 
tried to stay in the box I fit
But I 
don't like waking up every day
lying when someone asks me if I'm okay
cause I don't think I am. 
I don't know how long I can pretend
I'm okay with one best friend 
cause everyone else leaves. 

April 8, 2025

Love For Ransom

My first love I gave away for free. 
I gave and gave until I didn't know what was left of me
Other than the shell of a mold I wanted to fit
But even that was cracked. 
My second love I was more cautious 
I had more questions 
I got answers I believed 
but they were lies. 
I trust you'll be my third. 
Do you know why everything with love is red?
The roses, the hearts, the cards.
Because it makes the colored glasses seem normal
The red flags are just flags
Roses a beautiful flower to show you care, 
but they sill have thorns no matter how tinted my worldview is. 
I will give you my love in time,
but it is no longer free. 
I am holding it ransom 'til someone can prove they will stay
When the thorns make me bleed
When my heart is still cracked it causes tears to roll down my face
My mascara stained lightning bolts down my cheeks.
When all you hear are the thunderstorms of my insecurities that roar in my brain when the world seems too quiet. 
I don't trust you'll pay the ransom. 
That it will be worth it. 
Prove me wrong. 

April 9, 2025

Why Lie? 
When you knew I'd find out the truth. 
You meant everything to me and I was nothing to you.

Running water in the shower
 but nothing washes me clean. 
Keep on walking 
hope to find a destination 
that finally means something to me. 

April 13, 2025
 
I've talked a lot about love. 
The romantic kind
But not enough about the others. 
I think those are more difficult
cause more self reflection. 
Self love for me is
Self I'm okay with this today, maybe not tomorrow, definitely not the day after 
BUT 
that black skirt is cute on me. 
I look in the mirror but stare at the insecurities
Fidget in my clothes
because I can't tell if they feel right or look right today. 
I try not to compare 
but I care way more what others think of me than what I think of myself. 
I try not to. 
Then the unconditional family love 
It's beautiful but there is a weight to it. 
Expectations you don't want to crumble. 
I only see everyone on holidays but it's still enough
I'm the one who left the small town
I'm the one that's supposed to be successful.
I am so not.
I am drowning in the responsibility.
Waking up every day and continuously choosing to do the right thing. 
Overall, I'm starting to think love should be way less romanticized 
and more...

April 14, 2025

Grief

I wish dying wasn't a part of living
and I don't mean that for myself. 
I wish we didn't have to watch loved ones hearts break 
and know that the one thing that would comfort them in this moment 
is the one thing you can't give them.
I wish a hug could fix it all
and an "I'm sorry" actually meant more than it sounds like when so many people say it to you. 
The "peacefulness" 
The "In a better place" 
The "Not struggling anymore" 
is all nice
but there's still hurt. 
There is a gap in a life that doesn't get filled, 
you just feel it less every once in a while. 
I wish we all knew the right things to say. 
That there was a grief training class, Grief 101. 
But that's the hard thing. 
Everyone grieves differently. 
There isn't a perfectly wrapped gift 
with a bow that you can give someone. 
I wish it were more societally accepted to just say, 
"This fucking sucks, you want to go smash some things, or get some food, and watch some movies"
But that's not always the best move. 
I wish dying wasn't a part of living 
and that grieving was easy.
 

April 15, 2025

Thread November 29, 2012

There is a thread holding my life to yours
You can either decide to pull it forward, keep it where it is, or cut it lose. 
I hope the thread stays together,
but it is your decision.
Threads wear and tear
but 
they can be replaced
or they can just fall apart. 
When a thread breaks
it can spew into a new bunch of threads. 
One leading to some things
others leading to others
So I think it would be okay if our thread fell apart on its own
showing me to go other places and explore my options 
but cutting it on your own is different,
the end of the thread doesn't spew that much.
It is almost like it was never cut to begin with,
more like it was divided by an unknown source.
Now I realize I have a choice too.
Ropes have two ends.
I can pull, cut, or keep it just like you can.
This doesn't have to be mutual anymore
I would rather it not be
I won't get stuck in another game of tug-of-war
You pulling and my pulling too.
Someone will end up getting hurt 
or even worse 
Falling. 

 

April 16, 2025
 
Time

Used to think the same thing. 
Said our thoughts at the same time.
We always chose the same spot to eat
The train was always on time.
When we were together, there was no waiting on the platform. 
Now I don't think we think of each other at all. 
The train is still on time sometimes, but it doesn't feel as lucky anymore. 
I used to think our similarities meant we would be inseparable forever.
As we started to drift
Time felt different. 
Like the amount of time we knew each other was so small yet so infinite.
A lot can happen in a short amount of time
and a lot did. 
The end wasn't permanent. 
Most of the time now
We see each other on the subway
It's when we catch up
and that feels luckier. 
The chances of it seem slimmer
of all the trains and all the train cars
for us to be in the same exact one and the same time. 
We don't go to the same restaurants. 
We don't always think the same or say the same things. 
But we came back together.
Maybe we were just clocks that went out of sync for a moment.
But now we are back 
and on time.  

April 18, 2025
 
Enhanced April 30, 2023

I thought love was always coffee cups that would never be filled.
Pouring into each other
until we lost what it meant to be a person without each other.
Lost in what it meant to be alone.
Addicted to the idea of being a home for anyone. 
I'm learning love is your favorite song in the comfy headphones. 
Your favorite pair of glasses to wear. 
It's not something you need to give or take.
It's just a heightened sense of the world you live in. 
It's 3D glasses in the movie theater. 
An umbrella or boots in the rain. 
You can and will experience life without them.
But it's a little more fun and sometimes a little more helpful to see another point of view. 
Love is not always as simple as these things, or kind. 
But love is and always will be beautiful. 
It can be an addiction, there is nothing quite like the high of love. 
But recognizing love for what it truly is
The perfect combination of luck, communication, smiles, laughter, tears, hugs, sex, comfort in the silence.
You fully start to realize, love isn't just this list. 
Love changes each person you fall with. 

April 19, 2025

I don't know how to handle my trauma.
 I want it to be a carry on bag but it is oversized and overweight luggage. 
Pay extra to deal with it and ever time when I come home it is heavier than when I left. 
I thought experience would make it hurt less. 
It doesn't. 
When you fall easy and fast it always hurts. 
But i don't want to change because I love how I love. 
I don't want to give less because I hurt more.
I don't want to change to fit into an imaginary mold I have for myself. 
Can I always be better and do better? Yes.
But I'm not changing the fundamentals of who I am.
It's recognizing them and understanding myself better.
I've changed myself for people before.
It never ends well. 
It ends in misery and self doubt.
Questioning why you changed in the first place
because you thought it was love. 
You thought that person was your forever. 
You thought things were okay, until you noticed a cycle.
And when it was good, it was good. 
But when it was bad...
The sparkle left my eyes.
I felt trapped in a life I thought I wanted 
but it wasn't even close to what I needed. 
Now, whenever I feel myself falling
I doubt it.
I doubt the person.
I doubt myself
Can I trust my gut? Cause it was wrong, it's been wrong.
Can I trust your words? Cause actions have hurt me before.
Is it a red flag or is it just my trauma?
I know you're not my past, but how can I learn if I keep repeating myself?
I want to love.
I want a partner.
I want someone by my side.
But i don't know if I can trust anyone to be that that ever again. 

 

April 20, 2025

 Enough Love February 20, 2025

If love is enough then why...
Fuck that. 
When love is enough.
Love is enough to move mountains, cross seas,
combat the truths in the dark attics of our past, and bring them to light.
Love is enough when there are no other excuses.
There is no need for questioning
The whys, the buts. 
Love is enough because you are comfortable enough to confront it. 
To say, "I love you and..."
"I love you and it is driving me crazy that..."
"I love you and I wish we could..."
"I love you and..."
"I love you but it's driving me crazy that..."
"I love you but I wish we could..."
"I love you but..."
We are conditioned to the thought of failure
To the idea that we can't have a dichotomy.
That we can't have both.
I love you but one day it will be enough. 
I love you and one day it will be enough. 

 

April 22, 2025

December 27, 2023

Always the one where no one ever stays 
Didn't mean to, but I constantly push away 
when 
was I always the problem?
Cause I didn't see all of the answers right in front of me
Carrying the burdens that were never mine. 
Wish i knew what I know now so I could rewind. 
Do it all over again, no acting, no playing pretend. 
Taking responsibility. 
Planting with soil to see where it leads. 
I know growth is hard and comes with its own scars.
But just because it hurts doesn't mean it's getting worse and the ones you thought were flowers can really just be weeds. 
Don't need to explain it, it can just be. 
 

April 23, 2025

Betrayal of the Pizza Roll March 10, 2019

Dad took a pizza roll. 
I had a fit saying, "You need to ask to take food"
It makes my mother intrigued to go have one.
Mind you, they just came out of the oven.
She bites into it and boiling sauce sprays out of the bite and hits her chin. 
A look of pure and utter terror hits her face as she quickly wipes it with her napkin. 
I warned her about how warm it was. 
Then I gave my Dad one, also warning him it was warm. 
Instead of squirting outside his mouth, it squirts inside his mouth. 
He got a look of if he just saw a ghost and then pooped himself. 
That's the image, he didn't actually poop himself. 
My mom was eating soup at the time that she put red pepper flakes into. 
When my mom saw that face, she inhaled her soup so hard it went up her nostrils. 
She was laughing and coughing so much I thought I would have to call an ambulance, but she ended up being fine. 
Made herself some nice warm tea, probably something calming. 
 

April 24, 2025

Greek Tragedy March 21, 2024

Never knew what I would do when I saw you again.
Guess I found out today
When I screamed your name on the sidewalk
thinking you might be like Orpheus and turn around,
That you may have some doubt
That we wanted to escape this darkness together
But you kept walking ahead.
Eventually took a glimpse back 
I could tell by the look on your face 
That me as a person
is a bag full of memories you wish you could throw away. 
Of course this happens on the coldest day of spring. 
I knew it was coming
I felt a chill in my bones, as the past continued to pop up in front of me
I knew you were next. 
I started getting into the groove of things. 
Got used to walking home
sun shinning on my face.
This doesn't change the warmth of spring, the new beginnings.
It's just a reminder that people change. 

 

April 25, 2025

Lose Something

They say when you lose something, you ache until you find it.
But what happens if you are losing yourself?
If you've lost yourself?
Theres a part of me that never even knew it went missing.
I don't know if I ache for it
But I miss who I used to be
How I used to see the world.
I don't know if it's naive
But I wish I could be again.
I wish I could look at the sky and see the bright blues of it
Not have it be clouded by all I have been through.
Talk to a person and fully listen
Not questioning their intentions or motives like there are any to begin with.
Look at my body as a lifeline, as something that has kept me going
Not judge it for all the imperfections loved ones have claimed it to be or what fads in the magazines and commercials, whatever media is telling me to be.
I just wish I could love myself the way I've loved
The way I knew happiness as a child. 
How easy it was
How I could just go with the flow
How I could just play in the mud.
Not worry about my clothes, if they would get ruined.
How ladylike it was or wasn't of me to jump into puddles.
I jumped because I wanted to jump.
I don't know where that went.
When she went missing.
If I went back to whatever place I lost her, If I would find her again.
I don't know if she would have changed the way I have.
If the lessons I've learned have impacted her.
Is she tucked away somewhere safe?
Like my childhood teddy in the attic
Or did she run?
Far far away when it got hard.
When life had to become serious.
I don't know if she exists anymore, but I'm trying to rebuild her.
Undo the patterns that caused her to slip away. 
Take my life back as mine, not a storyline for someone else to claim.
I may never fit into the mold of what someone wants me to be.
But why would I want to fit?
Why would I ever want to change?
Just because someone wants me to.
How ego driven of the someone.
Absolutely not.
That is a lesson that does not need to be repeated
It has been learned.
I know I've lost myself.
I know I will continue to lose myself
But I am thrilled. 
 

April 26, 2025

Happiness

Happiness is a choice.
Yes, it's been said and told and preached to/at you
But it is the truth.
Think back on your life and I mean truly think about it.
Think about your happiest memories
Were they truly happy?
Or has your current self added rose colored glasses to your past?
I know they aren't as happy as I make them to be.
But I get a huge smile on my face thinking about 
My first crush in kindergarten
My first trip to Disney
The first time a romantic partner told me, "I love you"
The first time I had a musical of mine performed
Going to concerts
Seeing my best friend.
Something you may have noticed in that list,
Theres so many firsts.
A dear friend told me, "Happiness lives in discovery"
and I find that to be true.
I think the older I get,
the more I am discovering ehat happiness really means. 
 

April 27, 2025

You aren't failing.
I know it feels like you are.
Growth is so fucking painful sometimes.
It is hard to not be bitter about others successes and what they have been given sometimes.
But you can't let that get in your way of being a good person and doing things for you.
You are broke and that's okay.
You are doing everything you can to be successful 
and you are crying a lot.
Not because of the pain, but the realizations you have made.
Breathe. 
Don't retraumatize yourself by helping others.
Don't spiral into bad habits.
But get the tattoo because it is going to look so cool. 
 

April 28, 2025

 Vinyl April 20, 2023

He spent 7 years looking for a record.
A complete collection of his favorite band.
For me it took 10 days. 
A search, time spent to show I care.
An impulse buy of much discretion.
I just couldn't let it slip past.
Looking back now, the time spent is a reflection of our relationship.
It takes longer to find something if you don't put the effort in.
Now I hope when he see it and puts it on to play.
He'll think of the girl that got it 
How I'm the one that got away. 
 

April 29, 2025

Wish I never got lost in your eyes
In the oceans I see when I wake up to your face
drowning in them everyday. 
Wish I never felt your touch
because I long for it the second you leave. 

My Little Song to You October 20, 2016

What is it that I love the most in you?
Your eyes in these dark days shining like stars
It's in these hours you fade away my blue.
May we collect these days in mason jars.
Your smile gleams like fireflies to me
 and sparkle through the night as dew drops fall.
The beauty in them difficult to see
for love dominates over things so small.
As your laughter roars over thunder
it silences the pitter-patter rain.
Males a home, safe for me to stay under
guides sorrow and sadness out the drain.
But fireflies in mason jars can't last.
These memories of us are in the past. 
 

April 30, 2025

Sweat drips down my back 
and I dive deep into the nostalgia
The what could be's
I think of the ocean
how the sand feels on the beach. 
How memories warp with time gone by. 
A house filled with souvenirs knickknacks of sentiment covered in dust.
A bright town feels dull.
Paint chips, broken windows, for sale signs scattered on unmown lawns.
Maybe the magic of childhood is dimming
or the care to restore something is as small as this beach town. 
But there is still something special left in the fading away.
Laughter echos from people that have left us behind.
The smell of s'mores and ash from bonfires fill the air.
As the paint streaks drip into the darkness, light appears
in fireflies, starry skies, a boardwalk covered in neon.
The moon shine bright and the cycle begins again.