Let the rain fall the wind blow the sky stays gray and it feels so calming to be inside to watch it all cocooned in blankets a mug of warm apple cider clasped in my hands listening to the hum of the laundry machine the murmurs of neighbors the ding of the elevator figuring out what to watch how to spend the day maybe put a vinyl on my record player and just dance who knows let the rain fall
September 24, 2026
Today is one of those days where I’m careful on sidewalk cracks triple check the road before crossing one of those days where if my head wasn’t attached to my body I would be on a scavenger hunt looking for it I am scrambled like eggs less put together like scribbles today I am an abstract state of existence today is one of those days where I am very forgetful there’s too much and not enough going on Today is just one of those days
September 23, 2026
Close my eyes to sleep And there shines a bright blue neon Flip-flopping like a fish out of water Trying to get comfortable So many questions flood my mind Most of them nonsensical And I could stay awake asking them for hours Open my eyes To stare at the ceiling Maybe if I focus on one spot I will eventually drift
September 22, 2026
Love Can be so easy at times It’s like breathing You don’t even know you're doing it Hands held at tables Forehead kisses Leaning on each other’s shoulders All feels like second nature And then when you get into sync When the trains always arrive when you need them there You’re thinking the same thing So many inside jokes Even when things get hard It doesn’t feel as daunting Because there's laughter and smiles It won’t always be easy But I hope it still feels like breathing.
September 21, 2026
How do pigeons survive? Have you looked up their nests? Twigs thrown around haphazardly Flat and messy I love them Their coloring reminds me of oil slicks. People see them as messy, gross, unworthy When we used to nurture them Have them as companions Let them send messages for us I feel bad for them. Taken care of and then forgotten. Why do people have doves at weddings? I think pigeons have a more interesting color palette. But really, how do they survive?
September 20, 2026
I know when it hits but not when it’s coming I hate that we’ve been trained to not be a bother When we are unraveling The darkness makes its way to the door And envelops me in warmth I never want to leave from this place It feels so comfortable It never knocks I wouldn’t say it’s happy in this place It’s more numb Its very sleepy Very isolating It’s even harder on rainy days Feels like a familiar friend I fight it off most times But some days I let it swallow me whole Watch my colorful world become muted and gray The dishes tower in the sink The clothing overflowing from the laundry basket Sometimes I don’t even get up to eat. I should understand the hints it gives me When music doesn’t feel like music anymore It doesn’t feel joyous and exciting It feels like forcing myself to do the norm. That picking up the paint brush feels Like trying to win the high striker game at the carnival. I know when it hits, but I like to pretend it’s not coming.
September 19, 2026
Dear Sun,
What did I ever do to you? Sorry… I know that was blunt. But like WTF is wrong with you? When I was a kid, you and I were buddies. I would tan; life was great I loved going to the beach. THEN One day. BLISTERS. Every time I see you now You blister my skin. I lather myself in sunscreen And when I go to the beach I sit in a tent An umbrella is not enough. And the itchiness It’s horrible Even when I douse my existence in aloe I don’t know when I became a vampire Or what caused it to happen. But I would like us to be friends again.
September 18, 2026
I wish I could disconnect my brain from my body I know it wouldn’t work how I want it to But sometimes I think it pushes on the brakes before We can even try to drive Thinks through every scenario And does a risk assessment Before I can even ask why I want to do it, if it would make me happy, or if it could just be fun I know we are a we, but sometimes it feels like my brain and I want different things out of this experience called life. I want to take pictures, paint, sing, My brain wants to question what everyone else thinks of me doing that If anything we ever do will be good enough. My brain sometimes makes it so that I want to do nothing But then makes me feel guilty about it by reminding me of everything I should do Which makes the nothing feel worse but also paralyzing. I am working at not listening to my brain sometimes. But it’s hard.
September 17, 2026
I wish I could whisper my feelings Stuff them in a box But they find ways to explode Always be all caps with exclamation marks I am not subtle My face is a bad liar Even when my mind knows it could be good I cannot act well My eyes always tell on me My mouth always curves I have tried Not to be dramatic. But I think it’s in my nature I may never whisper But at least you’ll know I’m honest.
September 16, 2026
I feared I was never consistent And I could never follow through with anything I pick up hobbies and consistently drop them My Polaroid camera, my keyboard, empty canvases collecting dust. But I am consistent I call my mom every day, sometimes multiple times a day I send cat videos to one of my friends I play the NYT Free Games, do other trivia games Wrote and read a poem a day in April for National Poetry Month This year and last I think it’s just easy for things to lose the spark To lose the momentum It’s easy to forget what brought the joy When it can become part of a to-do list
September 15, 2026
I walked 8 miles today I didn’t realize I did But my feet are sore My arms are also sore But I loved every second So much so that I didn’t even realize I did 17,753 steps. It’s not like I was just wandering I had a purpose A few of those steps were dance moves. But it’s funny sometimes How much you can accomplish How much you can do If you don’t even recognize you’re doing it.
September 14, 2026
Inhale Exhale Remember You have to breathe Focus on the diaphragm Try to clear the mind Of the never-ending to-do list I am all of the open tabs on my computer I have so many things I want to get to But maybe I just need a reboot But I'm not a computer Because I have to breathe I have my own thoughts Not just regurgitated slop of what has already been shared Unique ways of saying what I want to. And I feel deeply So much so, they explode out of me often. I used to hate that about myself. But it’s nice to know I have feeling When existence can feel so numb. Inhale Exhale Take a deep breath Feel the expansiveness in the lungs. Do it again and remember you’re alive.
September 13, 2026
Man's best friend But really everyone's I wish I could communicate better with them. But we can read them, In the way their wide round eyes look at us The head tilts The different whimpers and barks Tail wags and ear flops All of them have different personalities Different favorite foods and treats they love and you learn more about them the longer you have them. I wish they could be with us forever That their companionship lasted every lifetime Maybe it does but they truly are a best friend With loyalty, friendship, and unwavering love.
September 12, 2026
Open and empty Häagen-Dazs container of creamy mango ice cream Sat upon its lid with a spoon tilted into the side of the container Vape standing up in the corner of the messy coffee table TV remote opened with the replaced batteries, back propped up against a CeraVe face lotion The remote doesn’t work but the lotion does. And all I can think of is when I lay down on the couch is my throw pillow smells like you The laughter we shared in tickle fights Kisses when we wanted to look at each other and not the horror movie. I’ll clean it up eventually But right now I want to snuggle on my couch And watch another movie.
September 11, 2026
Ran into a “celebrity” at my favorite cafe I ate my fruit tart and drank my chai Said a friendly hello and what I liked about their work, how honest and chill they seemed to be to a response of a fake friendly marketing tactic, somewhat cold. I’m used to it in NYC most of the time I’ll say nothing do a double take to see if it actually was who I thought. The weirdest thing was the unfinished salad left on the table which would be normal until I left with my friend and they were sitting outside on a stoop outside of the air conditioned cafe on black molten metal stairs with the sun beaming right onto them with their red folder, head down into their phone. If they didn’t want to be seen or talked to, being on the platformed steps to an empty commercial space didn’t seem like the right move to me But what do I know about celebrity? They said I may like them less after this season in my brief interaction. But I like them less already.
September 10, 2026
Type Delete Type again Question if it’s good enough Delete Contemplate Let the cursor blink Type again Read what is written Try to write some more Question if there is something else to backspace Wonder when there is enough Read it all again Is that enough? Read it all again. It is enough.
September 9, 2026
I liked the days when we could just prattle That the heaviness of existence wasn’t in every conversation Because we didn’t feel like it needed to be. It needs to be now. I miss the nostalgia of hope That things will get better. I see little glimmers of it. I remember when breaking rules meant revolution Not money-hungry billionaires finding a way to make more money Maybe we always should have paid more attention.
September 8, 2026
I liked the days when we could just prattle That the heaviness of existence wasn’t in every conversation Because we didn’t feel like it needed to be. It needs to be now. I miss the nostalgia of hope That things will get better. I see little glimmers of it. I remember when breaking rules meant revolution Not money-hungry billionaires finding a way to make more money Maybe we always should have paid more attention.
September 7, 2026
It feels so lazy And repetitive Artists I used to love feel like sellouts Songs about mental health become more songs about relationships Because it’s more “commercial” So much talk about psilocybin And getting high I wonder if they don’t trust us To be able to think Interpret the way we used to The AI of it all. All the rhymes are predictable I’m able to sing along barely listening I guess that means something. I wonder if we actually like what they hear Or if it’s just drilled so much Hearing a song over and over that we just accept it But it just feels so lazy and repetitive.
September 6, 2026
I am very specific about my kitchen utensils I’m not really picky about much, but there’s something about those. And my bowls Specific ones for salads, soup, ice cream. I don’t know why I have big spoons When I only like the small ones. It’s just something about them. And forks. I like the ones with the flat handles Not the ornate ones; they are beautiful to look at But I hate the feel in my fingers. I’m not as picky about knives, I don’t use them often enough to have an opinion, to be honest I have these blue ceramic salad bowls And they are just perfect. I should buy extras in case they break They’re also perfect for pasta But not soup. No, there’s a different bowl for soup. I think we all have a favorite And if you don’t, you might. You just don’t notice it.
September 5, 2026
I love the moment when the sun peeks through a cloudy sky The brightness is almost blinding to the mundane gray it surrounds A physical reminder that things get better That brighter things are to come I love the warmth against the cold That the sun can highlight the shapes of a cloud That our imaginations can run free with And a cloud can protect me at least partially from getting a sunburn I don’t love all cloudy days and I don't love all sunny ones either But I do love the moments of both.
September 4, 2026
What to do when you feel uninspired... Start It may suck But it might be amazing And you wouldn’t know it if you didn’t just Try When you are sore, and your bones ache Do it anyway Or do something else Just do something Don’t let the quicksand of being stuck Imposters syndrome People-pleasing judgment calls Get in the way of creation
September 3, 2026
Do not trust the blender Especially the bottom After you’ve made soup for hours Simmered the tomatoes you picked from your mom’s garden Added the spices Added the heavy cream Just to try a spoonful That was delicious For it to explode all over your kitchen Where now you have spent the last few hours Sitting on the floor Reading manuals To get tomato and heavy cream out of every crevice Do not trust the blender.
September 2, 2026
I want the cold air Not too cold that I see it in front of me But the one with a chill Where I can layer my long sleeves with sweaters and corduroy The time when everything becomes flavored with cinnamon and nutmeg It fills the air Leaves change, becoming the most beautiful color palette of grounded warmth And the sound of the crunch of a pile under my boots Is the most satisfying Going to a farm, getting the maple candies, homemade pies Picking apples and pumpkins Watching sunflowers soar. It is the time I feel most alive And each year it seems to fly by There's winter and summer But what has happened to fall?
September 1, 2026
The older I get, the less figured out I feel Like I'm in the ocean, and it suddenly keeps getting deeper Even though I used to be able to feel the sand between my toes The weight of the world feels heavier I remember being a kid and wishing so hard that I could be a grown-up And now that I am one, all I want to do is be a kid Not worry about a job, or debt, or rent, or anything I remember the weightlessness of childhood Feeling like if I ran fast enough I might just fly. Now my shoulders are sore from being hunched over my laptop As I manically type and doomscroll for hours Stay too long in my own mind, contemplating what my purpose is Hoping to find something that just sticks. I wish it wasn’t fight or flight That I wasn’t just treading water in hopes of not drowning. I know no one has it figured out. Younger me just thought I would by now.
A Poem A Day for National Poetry Month 2026
April 30 2026-Blame
Blame is easy. Passed around like a game of hot potato. Anyone can be blamed for anything, even if they didn’t do it. It’s easier that way. But is easy the best? If blame always points fingers at others and never looks at one’s self it may never notice a pattern or the one noticed is not as helpful as a deeper look or even just one look in the mirror. Blame can lack depth. It can focus emotions in a direction but probably not the path they should actually go. I hope blame can take a look in the mirror sometime.
April 29 2026-Theory
There's all these theories about what happens when we die, where we go, what happens to our souls, our energy. So many ways life should be lived and studied. The idea of anything after terrifies me. I don't want to exist forever. I am not meant to. I think of it all as a light switch. Before I existed, the switch was off now that I exist, it's on and when I go, it's off again. I don't really know why that brings me more peace than the idea of forever. I think it's because I like learning and growing and there's only so much that can be done in the infinite. What are your theories? What brings you calm?
April 28 2026-Look
When you look do you really see? I go by so many things on my day to day I rarely "stop to smell the roses" as one says. Most of my day is spent looking at screens staring at them almost mindlessly as my posture worsens at my desk. I go on walks sometimes but they are solely focused on point A to point B. I get worried about being away from my desk for too long. Then I come home to more screens entertaining ones this time, but still. I don't often remember the people I come across on my commute or the birds I see. When I look down sometimes I see pennies and pick them up. But I don't think I'm really looking at anything I think my routine has me in autopilot. I'm working on figuring out how to turn that off.
April 27 2026-Area
Dirty clothes, empty pizza boxes, recyclables fill the floor. Questioning how much of this is livable and how sustainable the current pattern is. The habitable areas have greatly decreased and sleep is the only thing my body wants to do. It will get cleaned. It always does. As the guilt takes over my mind and I wonder how I let it get this bad in the first place. Take a shower and wash myself clean of it all. The guilt and the dirt. Because it didn't just happen in one day to begin with.
April 26 2026-Underline
I've written so many poems, journal entries, stories about love. Names scribbled with hearts my name + theirs initials carved into a tree repeated and underlined over and over and over again. It almost looks like a punishment that had to be done on a chalkboard when behavior in class was horrendous. Or as if there was no longer control over how often it was written. Obsessive.
April 25 2026-Kid
Who am I kidding? When the smile appears and the nods and hmms bounce across the conversations in the room. I do not want to be dressed up talking about the unimportant as if it's life changing. I want to go back to being a kid, carefree. Making choreography to my favorite songs in the backyard. Scream singing my favorite music without a care or judgement in the world. I would love to do that in this room of people but they would likely prod and poke kid about it so much that it's questionable whether to be bold again. How fun would it be to just exit that room go to the one where people are dancing and screaming singing their favorite songs at the top of their lungs.
April 24 2026-History
I wonder how I'll look back on the present. What I'll tell the future about now. How we survived it. I wonder what parts will make it to the history books and if the narrative will be accurate to what was lived. I wonder if the future has the questions I do now: How did this happen? How did it get so far? Does anyone care? I hope it doesn't have to keep repeating itself. History, I mean. I wish it was listened to the first time.
April 23 2026-Familar
Drinks at a bar, looks at a concert, stares over dinner. I know the feeling all too well. I've become far too familiar with the change of eyes from person to object. From I can hear you and see you to I wonder what that's like naked. The staring at lips but no longer hearing anything that comes out of my mouth. It's easy to feel the shift to go from equals to prey. It's not always like this but it's far too regular that I don't trust a drink, dinner, or a concert sometimes.
April 22 2026-Bond
I've bonded to my grief. made friends with it, cry with it, laugh with it. I hope the relationship evolves as time goes on. I often wonder if there is interest to pay on trauma and memories, as there are some I keep wishing I could somehow unlock but there's something blocking them. I'm glad I have the voicemails and pictures so I don't forget. That is my biggest fear. Forgetting parts of you. When you don't see something often it's easily blurred like a car windshield on a rainy highway and no matter how quick the wipers go, the image stays blurred. I don't want you to blur and I wish my eyes would stop welling so the image of you doesn't have the chance to.
April 21 2026-Handy
What do you keep handy? Hand sanitizer , Altoids, noise canceling earbuds are always on me the notes app on my phone and a voice memo of my next idea. I wish I were handy around my house fixing something that needs to be fixed, hanging paintings, building furniture I dont want to pay for something I should know how to do but maybe it's just the convenience of it all. I also like getting my nails done so I don't know how handy I could be without breaking or chipping one.
April 20 2026-Line
Memories line the walls in photographs and paintings. It is difficult to see the frames collecting dust. What used to feel so lively is now dull. Vibrancy packed away in the attic in some box covered in cobwebs waiting for youth to inquire about them, to be opened and have wrinkled faces turn to youthful smiles as they look through the past. Instead of decades gone by, it's been minutes. Stories casscade that have never been told before. All because of curiousity.
April 19 2026-Banish
I wish it was easier to forget banish the thought in the first place. Before it can become words that tumble out of my mouth. I don't regret them, but there are parts I do. I love you holds a weight that I can be clumsy with. That some people hold as though it's light as a feather. I feel like Sisyphus with the boulder same task, every day. But maybe I'm learning something different and new every time. Which is why it is not easy to forget and maybe why thoughts aren't banished to the dark crevices of my mind.
April 18 2026- Workshop
I wish I knew when it started when I stopped looking at myself as human and made myself something to workshop what needs fixing and whose signature do I need to sign off? So many classes on how to be better, do better when maybe all that is needed is to be. Some days I wish I could go back to the before of it all. Where bugs were just creatures and I wasn't afraid of their stings or bites where a screen didn't cover my eyes for hours questioning if I'm liked or popular enough to keep trying. I wish I knew when it started.
April 17 2026- Cat
People say dogs are man's best friend and I think cats are women's or honestly everyone's best friend or arch nemesis. Tuxedo showed me how much an animal can change everything. I had pets before him, but he was mine he claimed me as his own. He was such a pain in the ass, in a way you just had to love. When I cried, he would meow at me and wipe his face on my tear stained cheeks. I was allergic to his fur but I would let him snuggle next to me because the runny nose and red eyes were worth it. He was dropped off on the steps of my aunt's house and I begged to take him home. Most people say they saved their pets, but he definitely saved me.
April 15 2026- Tin
Sewing supplies in a cookie tin. What a huge disappointment. Until you need a pair of jeans patched up or a hole in your favorite sweater to magically disappear. You always know with that blue container it will either be shortbread or short stitches. I constantly wonder how that became the universal container for sewing supplies, but I always forget to ask Google or anyone I know about it. I think about one day how I won't have that containner or anyone to teach me to sew. So I wish it was filled with cookies. Wishing I was the Tin Man looking for his heart as I know a before that no longer exists. Trying to stitch pieces of my memory back.
April 14 2026- Favour
Can you do me a favor? Can you be kind and not nice? Tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to. Do not sprinkle me with meaningless compliments as if it's confetti over a table of party favors no one takes home and we know it was an event you never wanted to be invited to in the first place. If you favor people pleasing and over analyzing then forget I ever asked. But maybe do it anyway as a favor to yourself.
April 13 2026- Wire
Constantly feeling like it's coming down to the wire. Percieved ideas, wish lists, mood boards. What have I done with the limited amount I have? Has it been meaningful? Did anything make an impact? Not for a legacy or fame kind of way, but a voice for someone who may or may not feel seen or heard. Whether or not it does, there's still time to try.
April 12 2026- Gregarious
Thought I was an introvert until I got a desk job and now I feel like I'm on an island of isolation. People overwhelm me but maybe it was just the wrong people. I think I'm more gregarious than I once thought I think I'm harsher on myself make myself out to be more awkward than I actually am. I was told by a former lover as an insult, " No wonder you're in sales, you could fall in love with anyone" and I do think parts of myself fall in love every day. I'm learning I need community more than I ever would have thought and that you can make the best of friends in the most unlikely of places.
April 11 2026- Wife
Will love ever be enough for me to feel a true partnership? The whole traditional, husband and wife, till death do us part stuff. I don't know if I trust the hopeless romantic people pleaser in me to be able to not anxiously attach to the avoidant. I also am a cat like I need space, alone time, independence not to be smothered with physcicality and romantics. And don't get me started on those five love languages, just ask your partner if they like physical touch. Touch them. Come on. It is all wanting in an instant knowing in an instant feeling a spark love at first sight but I don't think that's enough for a true partnership at least for me.
April 10 2026- Mix
I love baking, well cooking experimenting in the kitchen to come up with something delicious a recipe to share from generation to generation. But sometimes they flop. A little too much spice or not enough. The ingredients don't incorporate the way you expect them to. The texture is all off. I think of love like that sometimes. It's a recipe I want to perfect that I can't get right. I don't know what ingredients I'm missing or why when things seem to be going so well something is wrong in the mix. I want to have something to hand down generationally even if the generations don't exist. Something comfortable and cozy that you look forward going home to.
April 9 2026- Strap
I used to love roller coasters feeling my stomach flip and my feet dangle as I sped through loops and drops. But one day that all changed. Instead of adrenaline, nausea came over me. No matter how many times I checked I never felt like I was strapped in enough secure enough to go upside down. My feet consistently bounce now. I wonder what caused the switch if there is anything to blame or if it was just a part of getting older. Like how your tastes change, I used to be able to eat bags of Sour Patch Kids now just a few make my tongue tingle. Maybe time just changes things.
April 8 2026- Looting
We give and we give because we are taught that's what's right. It is "we the people" after all. But where is the justice? When crimes are committed by the people in charge hands are not slapped or even put in handcuffs. Is it only looting because we are poor? I would like to steal power back bring a world back that is less divided that actually cares about you guessed it, we the people. As we struggle to survive as prices skyrocket and wars are started that never should have in the first place hatred spills from mouths with no reprucussions and I just remember we are the people.
April 7 2026- Acquit
If love was a crime I would hope you wouldn't acquit me. I want to be found guilty of giving too much I want to do the time, put in the effort. But don't let this be a robbery where I think we've stolen something valuable but really I'm a sucker and you just put my heart on the line. Steal something less precious, if you steal anything at all. I wonder if I've made a fool of myself by telling you how valuable it is in the first place.
April 6 2026- Maid
Been independent for so long I've learned how to do everything on my own and do it well. I've gotten used to the beat of my own drum and the silence in my relaxation. Doing whatever, whenever I want. But whenever I try at love I end up a maid. Running around the house doing chores I don't even like doing on my own. I do not want to be a housewife so why do I fall into the domesticated lifestyle as a way to impress? It will only end in resentment and disappointment. I am more than my effort and maybe I want my life to be a little messy. I do not want everything neat and packaged with a bow. Show me the kitchen with the sauce on the backsplash and the laundry basket overflowing. Lets do the work together.
April 5 2026- Fan
Staring at the ceiling sweat dripping down my back as I watch the blades of the ceiling fan hear the hum in the air. No matter what I do, it is still too warm. Sometimes I wish I could just stick my existence in a walk in freezer on days like this. But I'll just take a popsicle and try not to make a mess with the drops of sugar. Strip to wearing an oversized t-shirt because it is too warm for anything else and naked feels too vulnerable. Popsicles aren't enough, but the thought of making any other food is unbearable and to think about leaving this room to go into the humidity is not a possibility. So I'll just lay back down and stare at the ceiling fan.
April 4 2026- Chip
Strong words in weak mouths still linger Brain rot from the repetition like a DVR stuck in the rewind. The memories don't fade like jeans in the laundry. Wishes and dreams of erasure play so there won't be a chip in the armor of what strong is. Impact quivers in mouths looking back through history with a magnifying glass questioning if the same damage was caused by them. Sit on the couch feeling sorry and eating a bag of chips wondering if this feeling ever goes away.
April 3 2026- Leave
I live in the uncomfortable knowing something no longer fits but I'm too scared of what the "new normal" would be. I've done it so often I don't actually know when I want to stay. I've put in the work and I just stopped trying and that's why it's uncomfortable. Will everything fall apart if I leave? It's a fear founded on the unknown, but not the truth. Losing something has never caused my life to fall apart. Leaving it alone and pretending like it's okay always has. It's harder when you feel like you're the one left behind rather than leading the escape. But everything I've left has gained something except drunkenly losing my headphones and drivers license at the bar.
April 2 2026- Retire
I've never dreamed of work. I wish I did I wish I knew what I always wanted to be maybe I wouldn't feel so directionless. But I think like most I dream more of what I do when I don't work When I grow old and retire if I ever do I wonder often where I'll be if the city was a phase and the older I get the more retired corner of the universe I'll go But I love the city more than I've loved anything, I think. It's not always the best relationship but neither are the jobs. Focus lately has been on survival more than existing. I think that's why I use my free time to dream one day... eventually... but I don't want to wait. Time is a precious commodity one of which I am grateful for and jealous of.
April 1 2026- Appear
When you're lost it feels like you are constantly waiting for something to save you to appear out of the darkness and give you a sense of direction or closure. To save you from yourself But do you need to be saved? Sometimes it's better to feel lost and work your way through the darkness figuring out why it feels so dark in the first place. Is it the shadows of hands interlocked, knelt on knees, and heads hung low whispering for different lives, health, prosperity like a chant? Is it the echoes of the curves when I look at my body inspecting it as though it is not a vessel, but just a commodity that is wrong? It is not wrong. What brings light to some dims others So, I think I'll be lost for a while.
Red Flags 12.09.2025
Red Flags
I see conflict as a thing to run from Not run to
When I get mad, I flatten your character to be something one dimensional. Explain you like a toddler, draw you in scribbles simply as a villain, never flesh out that your flaws are human.
You let me have mine, why do I not let you have yours?
I internalize.
let things fester
wonder when the bomb will go off even though I’m the one who calibrates it.
Take our experiences as ammunition to a gun I didn’t know I knew how to shoot.
And aim it right at the heart.
I’m working on putting down the weapons. Coming into something without feeling like I’m under attack.
Not needing to explain, backtrack, or resolve.
I make it about me, All of this has been about me.
I want to do and be better.
I’m sorry
And I’m worried that comes across as manipulative.
Because I’m used to sorry entangled in excuses, blame, defending.
I wonder if saying that makes my sorry less meaningful.
I wonder if I’ve ever fully been sorry, or if I’ve just been uncomfortable with the consequences. Hating the feeling of being the one who caused pain.
I wonder if I’m a narcissist often, But every time I look it up I’m told they’re not self aware.
I’m overly aware of myself. Go through every step, every thought in my mind and let them replay over and over Wishing I said something different in a moment, go over all the scenarios to get caught in a loop of wishes, wants, and interrogations.
I need to sit in the uncomfortable Not try to fix everything, wrap life up with a bow on top.
That’s not how life works Sometimes it just doesn’t work Sometimes things end and you don’t have closure. Sometimes it just is. The world still turns, life still goes on.
I write poems in the hope of finding answers, but end up with more self analysis and questions. Maybe that’s the answer.
Hope 6.25.2025
Hope June 25, 2025
Hope has always been tied to music for me So it should be no surprise that music led me to the next hope That every weekend would be spent meeting new people Knocking on doors and hoping that minds could be changed Or standing at poll sites with flyers wishing people a good weekend even when they whispered remarks under their breath.
Many people weren’t home, many flyers ended up in recycling bins, Let’s be honest, more ended up in trash cans.
But there was always at least one, One conversation after the 6 flights of stairs, or one person who stood and asked, “Well, who should I vote for?” and listened intently when I said, “Zohran Mamdani.”
I lit up like our NYC skyline learned what they wanted from the city and explained to them how we could make that happen. What their hopes and dreams of a future are. I made friends with my fellow canvassers. Had talks about Red Bull, jobs, the arts. What New York City is and what we wish it to be.
I bawled when the news broke, In a time that has felt more than hopeless.
I see a glimmer of hope.
And I will chase it continue to fight for it. push myself to the limit To do what I know is right And to push for a city But more importantly, a world We deserve.
This is a marathon For now, we rest Celebrate how far we’ve come knowing we have further to go.
A Poem A Day for National Poetry Month 2025
April 1, 2025
In the same room but never felt so far away A boat at sea and I'm stuck at the dock on the bay. Close doesn't mean close anymore I know I can swim but I always wake up back at the shore Am I saving myself from drowning?
April 2, 2025
I don't know why I miss you Constantly need a tissue Built so many walls Sometimes I forget I'm still trapped
April 3, 2025
I am uninspired I am tired of trying to make things work I don't know anything I should I am broke, unemployed, alone So goddamn annoyed But I'm alive I should be thankful for that But i want to cry lock myself away and forget about waht is going on outside find a way to get away because I can't stay here I'm rotting at least it feels like I am I'm drowning but there is no water No one around seems to understand I've hit rock bottom, got nowhere to go nothing left, no magic smoke show. Everything is changing, but nothing is changing. I don't know what makes sense But it's the end of my world no more second chance.
April 4, 2025
You wake up one day and realize you aren't a child anymore It's no one's obligation to take care of you, it's nice when they do, but you have to figure shit out on your own. I meet people sometimes and think they are still children because they need so much help and Google can solve most of the problems. But there's some shit Google can't fix Grieving. People are shit with grieving people. "I'm so sorry for your loss" You hear it once, it's fine. A bajillion and five and you are like, "Did you kill him?" What are you apologizing for? That's what sorries are. And then you get the, "You are so strong and brave" For what? Living? What else am I supposed to do? I fon't really have any other choices than to e those things. I am just taking life a little bit at a time. And they leave you alone because they don't want to say the wrong thing. Do you know how isolating that is? You lose your best friend and then everyone who was friends with them. I know it hurts those people too, but I don't know it just boggles my mind. The free food was nice though even though my mom and I had no desire to eat it, we knew we had to. And the advice about grief on the internet is outrageous sometimes. I never went to support groups after but my mom did. I just don't think hearing about other peoples sadness and grief would be helpful for me. Especially because grief is a rollercoaster of a journey and the bumps, loops, and backwards rides are all on different paces for different people. You don't realize how much you've learned from someone until they are gone.
April 5, 2025
Let's skip the small talk No one likes it anyway. Tell me if you're religious If you're not, what trauma led you away? What are your thoughts on what happens when we die? Its an interesting question and no one ever asks why? Cause I think life is a lightbulb, and death is just the switch. It sounds kind of dark, but that doesn't mean it is. Why is your favorite color the one that you choose? Mine is a seafoam interesting weird shade of blue. I don't really know why, but I think it has something to do with the ocean. But maybe it's not that deep.
April 6, 2025
If I tell you how I'm feeling if I were really honest I'm scared I'd see you break. Watch the tears fall as the perfect idea of me crumbles away Cause that person doesn't exist. I tried tried to stay in the box I fit But I don't like waking up every day lying when someone asks me if I'm okay cause I don't think I am. I don't know how long I can pretend I'm okay with one best friend cause everyone else leaves.
April 7, 2025
No Love Anymore Part 2 July 4, 2019
Has the spark died? Or are we too busy to watch it? Kisses feel like a mandatory schedule Our life is scheduled. We are adults now. We aren't young teens getting high in the woods by a campfire, we are adults getting high to avoid the feeling of responsibility. We forget what happiness is we forget how to find it. We made each other happy once. I can't tell if that is true anymore. We have our whole future thought out, but what if it isn't meant to be with each other? I love you, You are my first true love, but you are too busy for me. Your mind is a never-ending to-do list. I don't know how much more I can check off. I get anxious each time you touch me. I cringe when we cuddle. I don't feel a spark. I used to feel a spark. Does that mean love died? Is this the new normal? I don't like normal. I miss tickle fights, singing while making food, sex. I miss the memories of us especially the happy ones. I miss the firsts especially the, I love you's. You are buying an apartment I don't know if I can ever live in it. I don't even know what I want as a career anymore.
April 8, 2025
Love For Ransom
My first love I gave away for free. I gave and gave until I didn't know what was left of me Other than the shell of a mold I wanted to fit But even that was cracked. My second love I was more cautious I had more questions I got answers I believed but they were lies. I trust you'll be my third. Do you know why everything with love is red? The roses, the hearts, the cards. Because it makes the colored glasses seem normal The red flags are just flags Roses a beautiful flower to show you care, but they sill have thorns no matter how tinted my worldview is. I will give you my love in time, but it is no longer free. I am holding it ransom 'til someone can prove they will stay When the thorns make me bleed When my heart is still cracked it causes tears to roll down my face My mascara stained lightning bolts down my cheeks. When all you hear are the thunderstorms of my insecurities that roar in my brain when the world seems too quiet. I don't trust you'll pay the ransom. That it will be worth it. Prove me wrong.
April 9, 2025
Why Lie? When you knew I'd find out the truth. You meant everything to me and I was nothing to you.
Running water in the shower but nothing washes me clean. Keep on walking hope to find a destination that finally means something to me.
April 10, 2025
I don't remember what I was crying about in my teens Fighting over nothing meant everything to me Maybe it's a doomsday or something I'll eventually learn to forget. But I have nothing to regret.
Prince August 15, 2012
I want my Prince Charming. The guy to sweep me off my feet to tell me everything will be alright.
April 11, 2025
Hate that I'm a people pleaser Because I lose myself in you. I make your body an unsolvable puzzle that I dig right into. Try to make solutions for problems that don't exist. Thinking this once it'll be the right fit.
April 12, 2025
What Do You Think?
I wonder if you think about me, not selfishly. I just wonder. It seems like you moved on somehow and I can't stick to another. And that's not your fault, I can't put the blame on you. We forgot relationships are people with things to work through. I wonder if it's bad that you're still on my mind after all this time. I want you happy, but not happier. I hope you worked a little harder with her. I wonder if you've realized now Our relationship wasn't a mistake. We just didn't work out, but none of it was fake. Well actually, that's false because in the end it was. Just because I couldn't, I didn't know how to talk to you. I wish I did things differently, but I always feel that way. With the lessons I've learned and things I let slip away or get trampled under. I am no longer fully the girl you once loved. I'm assuming you've changed too. I wonder what would happen if we crossed each other on the sidewalk. If you would recognize me. I wish sometimes, I could forget you. But more often, I wish it was different. How everything went sour. I wish we could have been civil. I wish we could have been the friends we were before we fell. I wonder if you think about me, not selfishly. I just wonder.
April 13, 2025
I've talked a lot about love. The romantic kind But not enough about the others. I think those are more difficult cause more self reflection. Self love for me is Self I'm okay with this today, maybe not tomorrow, definitely not the day after BUT that black skirt is cute on me. I look in the mirror but stare at the insecurities Fidget in my clothes because I can't tell if they feel right or look right today. I try not to compare but I care way more what others think of me than what I think of myself. I try not to. Then the unconditional family love It's beautiful but there is a weight to it. Expectations you don't want to crumble. I only see everyone on holidays but it's still enough I'm the one who left the small town I'm the one that's supposed to be successful. I am so not. I am drowning in the responsibility. Waking up every day and continuously choosing to do the right thing. Overall, I'm starting to think love should be way less romanticized and more...
April 14, 2025
Grief
I wish dying wasn't a part of living and I don't mean that for myself. I wish we didn't have to watch loved ones hearts break and know that the one thing that would comfort them in this moment is the one thing you can't give them. I wish a hug could fix it all and an "I'm sorry" actually meant more than it sounds like when so many people say it to you. The "peacefulness" The "In a better place" The "Not struggling anymore" is all nice but there's still hurt. There is a gap in a life that doesn't get filled, you just feel it less every once in a while. I wish we all knew the right things to say. That there was a grief training class, Grief 101. But that's the hard thing. Everyone grieves differently. There isn't a perfectly wrapped gift with a bow that you can give someone. I wish it were more societally accepted to just say, "This fucking sucks, you want to go smash some things, or get some food, and watch some movies" But that's not always the best move. I wish dying wasn't a part of living and that grieving was easy.
April 15, 2025
Thread November 29, 2012
There is a thread holding my life to yours You can either decide to pull it forward, keep it where it is, or cut it lose. I hope the thread stays together, but it is your decision. Threads wear and tear but they can be replaced or they can just fall apart. When a thread breaks it can spew into a new bunch of threads. One leading to some things others leading to others So I think it would be okay if our thread fell apart on its own showing me to go other places and explore my options but cutting it on your own is different, the end of the thread doesn't spew that much. It is almost like it was never cut to begin with, more like it was divided by an unknown source. Now I realize I have a choice too. Ropes have two ends. I can pull, cut, or keep it just like you can. This doesn't have to be mutual anymore I would rather it not be I won't get stuck in another game of tug-of-war You pulling and my pulling too. Someone will end up getting hurt or even worse Falling.
April 16, 2025
Time
Used to think the same thing. Said our thoughts at the same time. We always chose the same spot to eat The train was always on time. When we were together, there was no waiting on the platform. Now I don't think we think of each other at all. The train is still on time sometimes, but it doesn't feel as lucky anymore. I used to think our similarities meant we would be inseparable forever. As we started to drift Time felt different. Like the amount of time we knew each other was so small yet so infinite. A lot can happen in a short amount of time and a lot did. The end wasn't permanent. Most of the time now We see each other on the subway It's when we catch up and that feels luckier. The chances of it seem slimmer of all the trains and all the train cars for us to be in the same exact one and the same time. We don't go to the same restaurants. We don't always think the same or say the same things. But we came back together. Maybe we were just clocks that went out of sync for a moment. But now we are back and on time.
April 17, 2025
A Letter of Things I Wish I Said But Bit My Tongue
Dear [Insert pain, trauma, past, future here],
I bit my tongue so hard not saying what I wish I could say to you. I thought I might bite it in half. Bleed everywhere and not be able to muster another word. I thought my heart might break into so many small pieces that I would never be able to find them again to pieces it back together. I want to put your name through the mud. Air everything out like dirty laundry. But I wont. I am nauseated by who you are. I can't let myself be there. I would rather lose everything else in my life than to go there. So I won't. There's so much I could do, so much I could say. But honestly, you've taken up enough space. That I'm writing this letter as a finale. To never think of or speak of you again. This is freedom. This is happiness. Thank you for the lessons.
Goodbye.
All the best, Me in my entirety.
April 18, 2025
Enhanced April 30, 2023
I thought love was always coffee cups that would never be filled. Pouring into each other until we lost what it meant to be a person without each other. Lost in what it meant to be alone. Addicted to the idea of being a home for anyone. I'm learning love is your favorite song in the comfy headphones. Your favorite pair of glasses to wear. It's not something you need to give or take. It's just a heightened sense of the world you live in. It's 3D glasses in the movie theater. An umbrella or boots in the rain. You can and will experience life without them. But it's a little more fun and sometimes a little more helpful to see another point of view. Love is not always as simple as these things, or kind. But love is and always will be beautiful. It can be an addiction, there is nothing quite like the high of love. But recognizing love for what it truly is The perfect combination of luck, communication, smiles, laughter, tears, hugs, sex, comfort in the silence. You fully start to realize, love isn't just this list. Love changes each person you fall with.
April 19, 2025
I don't know how to handle my trauma. I want it to be a carry on bag but it is oversized and overweight luggage. Pay extra to deal with it and ever time when I come home it is heavier than when I left. I thought experience would make it hurt less. It doesn't. When you fall easy and fast it always hurts. But i don't want to change because I love how I love. I don't want to give less because I hurt more. I don't want to change to fit into an imaginary mold I have for myself. Can I always be better and do better? Yes. But I'm not changing the fundamentals of who I am. It's recognizing them and understanding myself better. I've changed myself for people before. It never ends well. It ends in misery and self doubt. Questioning why you changed in the first place because you thought it was love. You thought that person was your forever. You thought things were okay, until you noticed a cycle. And when it was good, it was good. But when it was bad... The sparkle left my eyes. I felt trapped in a life I thought I wanted but it wasn't even close to what I needed. Now, whenever I feel myself falling I doubt it. I doubt the person. I doubt myself Can I trust my gut? Cause it was wrong, it's been wrong. Can I trust your words? Cause actions have hurt me before. Is it a red flag or is it just my trauma? I know you're not my past, but how can I learn if I keep repeating myself? I want to love. I want a partner. I want someone by my side. But i don't know if I can trust anyone to be that that ever again.
April 20, 2025
Enough Love February 20, 2025
If love is enough then why... Fuck that. When love is enough. Love is enough to move mountains, cross seas, combat the truths in the dark attics of our past, and bring them to light. Love is enough when there are no other excuses. There is no need for questioning The whys, the buts. Love is enough because you are comfortable enough to confront it. To say, "I love you and..." "I love you and it is driving me crazy that..." "I love you and I wish we could..." "I love you and..." "I love you but it's driving me crazy that..." "I love you but I wish we could..." "I love you but..." We are conditioned to the thought of failure To the idea that we can't have a dichotomy. That we can't have both. I love you but one day it will be enough. I love you and one day it will be enough.
April 21, 2025
The Start of Fear October 13, 2019
I remember being fearless I remember playing with every creepy crawly bug Jumping from the highest heights Playing in the mud Jumping off the swing midair. But I remember the day a bug bit me The day I fell the hardest I've ever fallen off the swing. I felt betrayed, no longer invincible. I was young then. The older I ger the more I fear. I hate escalators I hate open height I am terrified of falling and being bitten. I know it's good to be scared of things Precautious. But when does it become too much? When you don't trust yourself? When you don't trust anyone? Whenever something is new or difficult? Whenever you feel like you could fail? Whenever it gets too vulnerable? Whenever it makes you start to think too much? You go down a spiral of questions A spiral of assumptions And sometimes you can't even find your way back to reality. Your brain never clocks out It's a 24/7 gas station sometimes useful but those fluorescent lights never stop flickering. You always hear the noise And someone always enters in the middle of the night Making you think Even though you wish you were asleep They browse You wonder if they will ever leave. Will either of you get what you want or will you both leave empty handed? You are exhausted Constantly tired. You feel as though you do nothing. You think Thinking is not nothing. It's doing nothing with the thinking that annoys you. You think of all the opportunities and the jobs you see. You think of all the rejections you've gotten and all the future ones you will get. You hope one will finally click. Will things ever fully click for you? People always tell you how you can solve your problems. You listen, but it feels so hard to try to self correct almost all the time. Especially when you don't fully believe you have a problem. You know the problem exists. You write a poem. That scares you.
April 22, 2025
December 27, 2023
Always the one where no one ever stays Didn't mean to, but I constantly push away when was I always the problem? Cause I didn't see all of the answers right in front of me Carrying the burdens that were never mine. Wish i knew what I know now so I could rewind. Do it all over again, no acting, no playing pretend. Taking responsibility. Planting with soil to see where it leads. I know growth is hard and comes with its own scars. But just because it hurts doesn't mean it's getting worse and the ones you thought were flowers can really just be weeds. Don't need to explain it, it can just be.
April 23, 2025
Betrayal of the Pizza Roll March 10, 2019
Dad took a pizza roll. I had a fit saying, "You need to ask to take food" It makes my mother intrigued to go have one. Mind you, they just came out of the oven. She bites into it and boiling sauce sprays out of the bite and hits her chin. A look of pure and utter terror hits her face as she quickly wipes it with her napkin. I warned her about how warm it was. Then I gave my Dad one, also warning him it was warm. Instead of squirting outside his mouth, it squirts inside his mouth. He got a look of if he just saw a ghost and then pooped himself. That's the image, he didn't actually poop himself. My mom was eating soup at the time that she put red pepper flakes into. When my mom saw that face, she inhaled her soup so hard it went up her nostrils. She was laughing and coughing so much I thought I would have to call an ambulance, but she ended up being fine. Made herself some nice warm tea, probably something calming.
April 24, 2025
Greek Tragedy March 21, 2024
Never knew what I would do when I saw you again. Guess I found out today When I screamed your name on the sidewalk thinking you might be like Orpheus and turn around, That you may have some doubt That we wanted to escape this darkness together But you kept walking ahead. Eventually took a glimpse back I could tell by the look on your face That me as a person is a bag full of memories you wish you could throw away. Of course this happens on the coldest day of spring. I knew it was coming I felt a chill in my bones, as the past continued to pop up in front of me I knew you were next. I started getting into the groove of things. Got used to walking home sun shinning on my face. This doesn't change the warmth of spring, the new beginnings. It's just a reminder that people change.
April 25, 2025
Lose Something
They say when you lose something, you ache until you find it. But what happens if you are losing yourself? If you've lost yourself? Theres a part of me that never even knew it went missing. I don't know if I ache for it But I miss who I used to be How I used to see the world. I don't know if it's naive But I wish I could be again. I wish I could look at the sky and see the bright blues of it Not have it be clouded by all I have been through. Talk to a person and fully listen Not questioning their intentions or motives like there are any to begin with. Look at my body as a lifeline, as something that has kept me going Not judge it for all the imperfections loved ones have claimed it to be or what fads in the magazines and commercials, whatever media is telling me to be. I just wish I could love myself the way I've loved The way I knew happiness as a child. How easy it was How I could just go with the flow How I could just play in the mud. Not worry about my clothes, if they would get ruined. How ladylike it was or wasn't of me to jump into puddles. I jumped because I wanted to jump. I don't know where that went. When she went missing. If I went back to whatever place I lost her, If I would find her again. I don't know if she would have changed the way I have. If the lessons I've learned have impacted her. Is she tucked away somewhere safe? Like my childhood teddy in the attic Or did she run? Far far away when it got hard. When life had to become serious. I don't know if she exists anymore, but I'm trying to rebuild her. Undo the patterns that caused her to slip away. Take my life back as mine, not a storyline for someone else to claim. I may never fit into the mold of what someone wants me to be. But why would I want to fit? Why would I ever want to change? Just because someone wants me to. How ego driven of the someone. Absolutely not. That is a lesson that does not need to be repeated It has been learned. I know I've lost myself. I know I will continue to lose myself But I am thrilled.
April 26, 2025
Happiness
Happiness is a choice. Yes, it's been said and told and preached to/at you But it is the truth. Think back on your life and I mean truly think about it. Think about your happiest memories Were they truly happy? Or has your current self added rose colored glasses to your past? I know they aren't as happy as I make them to be. But I get a huge smile on my face thinking about My first crush in kindergarten My first trip to Disney The first time a romantic partner told me, "I love you" The first time I had a musical of mine performed Going to concerts Seeing my best friend. Something you may have noticed in that list, Theres so many firsts. A dear friend told me, "Happiness lives in discovery" and I find that to be true. I think the older I get, the more I am discovering ehat happiness really means.
April 27, 2025
You aren't failing. I know it feels like you are. Growth is so fucking painful sometimes. It is hard to not be bitter about others successes and what they have been given sometimes. But you can't let that get in your way of being a good person and doing things for you. You are broke and that's okay. You are doing everything you can to be successful and you are crying a lot. Not because of the pain, but the realizations you have made. Breathe. Don't retraumatize yourself by helping others. Don't spiral into bad habits. But get the tattoo because it is going to look so cool.
April 28, 2025
Vinyl April 20, 2023
He spent 7 years looking for a record. A complete collection of his favorite band. For me it took 10 days. A search, time spent to show I care. An impulse buy of much discretion. I just couldn't let it slip past. Looking back now, the time spent is a reflection of our relationship. It takes longer to find something if you don't put the effort in. Now I hope when he see it and puts it on to play. He'll think of the girl that got it How I'm the one that got away.
April 29, 2025
Wish I never got lost in your eyes In the oceans I see when I wake up to your face drowning in them everyday. Wish I never felt your touch because I long for it the second you leave.
My Little Song to You October 20, 2016
What is it that I love the most in you? Your eyes in these dark days shining like stars It's in these hours you fade away my blue. May we collect these days in mason jars. Your smile gleams like fireflies to me and sparkle through the night as dew drops fall. The beauty in them difficult to see for love dominates over things so small. As your laughter roars over thunder it silences the pitter-patter rain. Males a home, safe for me to stay under guides sorrow and sadness out the drain. But fireflies in mason jars can't last. These memories of us are in the past.
April 30, 2025
Sweat drips down my back and I dive deep into the nostalgia The what could be's I think of the ocean how the sand feels on the beach. How memories warp with time gone by. A house filled with souvenirs knickknacks of sentiment covered in dust. A bright town feels dull. Paint chips, broken windows, for sale signs scattered on unmown lawns. Maybe the magic of childhood is dimming or the care to restore something is as small as this beach town. But there is still something special left in the fading away. Laughter echos from people that have left us behind. The smell of s'mores and ash from bonfires fill the air. As the paint streaks drip into the darkness, light appears in fireflies, starry skies, a boardwalk covered in neon. The moon shine bright and the cycle begins again.
Love/Valentine’s Day Poems
Love Sick February 14, 2025
Will I vomit the love I have on to you? In the form of words and affirmations Hugs and kisses Handholds and quiet moments I’ve been nauseous for a while Is that why they call it love sick? Or maybe I’m just an addict To the feeling of falling into it The taste of sweetness consistently on my lips That i mumble and fumble over statements i one day hope to mean fully Please don’t give me butterflies That flapping around in my stomach makes me… want to be spontaneous To the point of danger I don’t like walking to the edge of a cliff But I still do it Every time. I dont stay in this I wish one day i could settle into it Make a home in it But im never fully comfortable there I always questions if the locks will change, If the foundation is solid, If it is worth the investment to settle into? Maybe that’s why I’m nauseous Anxiously attached to leaving To the mindset of it all falling apart That is why I may vomit the love I have onto you It is not pretty, it’s a lot all at once But I can’t keep being nauseous And I don't want to become sick of love
The Other Kinds of Love February 14, 2025
I keep thinking I fail at love But I think I give so much of it and receive so much of it I take it for granted. Have I fallen head over heels romantically? Absolutely not Have I become a better person Because I surrounded and continue to Surround myself with people that build me up but also help me to grow tell me the truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. I have found love in the everyday interactions, when my best friend and I’s lives are so busy we still take the time to text each other call when we can. I am processing the love of myself Because I hated her for a long time. She was ROUGH And I mean it She was lost, scared, and felt alone even if she wasn’t. She let her brain drain out any sense of reality, filled her head with false narratives, and made everyone including herself the villain and the victim in her story. Would fight everyone and everything, just to have a voice, not because she believed it. Wanted to prove she mattered so she would scream from the rooftops. I don’t scream from rooftops anymore, I sit in the peace of my apartment play a record or two I like the process of it, making an effort to listen to music. And I close my eyes or clean Maybe write. I’ve learned to love myself is to be quiet sometimes. There is nothing you need to prove and if you want to prove it or feel the need to in your gut Wait on it. Think of it like a tattoo, Think of the decisions you are making as permanent and the relationships in your life as something you want to permanently work on. Whether they last or not. Enjoy them, live in them but most importantly love them.
Ours February 14, 2024
Why does love The act of PDA feel all braggy and boastful to me?
I hear the mwahs of passionate kisses The looks of innocent hand holds
And my stomach drops A pit forms filled with nausea and anxiety.
It feels showy Like we have to portray our love. Everyone needs to know we are in love. What are we hiding? Do lips really want to touch? Do hands really want to be held?
I want my PDA to be like the royal family maybe a few drunken make outs in the alleyway but mostly the royal family. Respectful, not quite as forcefully in your face.
I do not want my love as sloppy as reality television, though, I do love reality television. I do not want my love shouted from the rooftops I want it whispered in my face with a goodnight kiss as we snuggle in bed.
I think I want my love to be like a beautifully wrapped gift. Special for only the ones who are around when it's opened Not necessarily everyone's taste but it is beautiful and the gesture of it is respected.
If you love me Love me because we want to be loved Hold me because we want to be held Love me fully and subtly Because I want our love to be just that Ours.
Kiss Me June 6, 2023
At least kiss me Kiss me before you destroy me Kiss me before my name falls out of your memory If it ever lived there to begin with Savor me Love me like I am your equal Look me in the eyes that way And dont stare as though i am a prize to be won or prey to feast on Hold me tight and close Squeeze me too hard Interlock pinkies with me Hold hands with me Try to understand me Listen Grow old with me Laugh with me Only if you want to But at least kiss me Kiss me before it destroys me
Love January 11, 2023
I think i'm finally feeling true love Correction, true romantic love for the first time And i guess I shouldn't say I think because i don't think about it I feel it. I feel it in the comfort of every second with this person where I’m not at all anxious or worried of the parts of myself and my past that I have been. My scars and baggage are just a part of my story that they want to read and learn. I am something they want to know, they care to ask, and they don’t pry or push. They just want me. That’s scary. But not really Because I used to think will I be too much, when will it fall apart? I don't with them. I cherish every second, in the present. And I don't kiss them questionably like I want them to stay and I long for them to. I kiss them like it's the only thing I will ever be certain of and if I stop I don't think I’ll be certain of anything ever again. I'm learning that true love doesnt let your insecurities manifest because they don't make you feel insecure. The insecurity doesn’t miraculously go away but it’s not something you’re scared to share with them and discuss. It’s not something you shield and hide, it’s an open book with some cliff notes on your past. I can’t wait to go on this journey with them, the trials and tribulations, the bumps in the road, the happiest of times. Because I know that they are on my side and I am on theirs, we cherish each other and will fight for us, because we both believe in us, that is true love. I hope everyone feels this at least once.
Perfect First Date August 28, 2022
Dating apps always ask for your preferences, but sometimes they have a special question, What is your perfect first date? But I have no idea. Actually… I do, but how do you tell someone You want to sit in the park and watch people go by Make assumptions and question their lives as a game we play. Have a picnic and make small talk, but it doesn’t feel small. It feels like I’ve known you my whole life. Then we go for a stroll, reaching for each others hands not knowing if the other one wants us to barely touching pinkies become interlocked fingers and we won’t let go until one of us gets clammy It’s probably me. It happens when I’m nervous or it's so hot you feel like you can’t breathe And when we are about to head our separate ways we don't. We look into each others eyes and just live in that moment. How do you tell someone you want forever in a day That my friend is my perfect first date
Vomit & Fireworks
Vomit & Fireworks December 9, 2023
Vomit on the sidewalk for some reason reminds me of fireworks I think it’s the shape, the multiple colors, but mostly a reminder of a fun night. That’s honestly what I think about you Vomit and fireworks. I think that’s what people really mean when they say butterflies in their stomach. Falling for someone is the most exciting and terrifying feeling Mostly because it’s there and it’s gone The sparks live in this glorious moment to fade to nothing A fun experience that may have gone too far too fast Waking up with a hint of regret and the taste of unknown liquor and cheap cigarettes burn my throat They sting more than my head in my toilet Alone. Wishing you or anyone was there to hold my hair. I’ll weakly scavenge for a hair tie Put my hair in a messy bun It’ll do for now And continue on my life Thinking of you whenever I see fireworks Or vomit on the sidewalk.
Grief
Grief Whiplash March 11, 2023 When you thought you were fine and over it Living a seemingly normal life Out of nowhere it hits you A suckerpunch right to the face They are dead You cannot touch, speak, or hold them ever again There is no future in which they are in the picture And you suddenly remember all of that On top of every single time you were ever mean to them You wonder if they knew how much you loved them If you could have told them more You’ve repainted the walls of your life But the foundation is still there All of the memories good or bad are framed in your home And no matter how much you redecorate The couch will still feel empty The bed will still feel cold The dinner table less lively. The new normal of your life is the ocean The memories of the vacations But more importantly the waves, Constantly moving But always meeting the shore Sometimes it hits a little more rough But it’s always there.
Poems about grieving my Dad on his birthday May 9
Another Birthday May 9, 2026
Hi Dad It’s your birthday today you would have been 66. I woke up and felt fine. Took a shower And then it hit me like a semi There won’t be a cake You aren’t here to blow out the candles No jokes about getting older No laughter and conversations Again And it just started to rain Not a downpour But a little sprinkle That seems right Just existing in the gray Bursts of storms No thunderous cries Just quiet mist with hints of sunshine Arriving to the train platform right when the train arrives Joking with my community Singing doing the things that bring joy. It’s been years I thought I had gone through all the stages But every year, every day, every minute, every second has reminders The mirror is a reminder I hate missing you But love knowing that my love for you continues to last I wish I gave you more of it when you were around You’d hate that we still cry about it. I think you’d like the comedy I’ve used to cope. I tell everyone about you, how funny you were That the best parts of me come from you So much yet so little has changed in the last few years There’s a lifetime more of memories to be made One day I’ll get to tell you all about the life I lived But today is your day Happy birthday.
Still Saving You a Slice May 9, 2025
You would have been 65 today. It's been almost 5 years since you died.
I still find it weird that you aren't here to have a double chocolate cake that is way too dense.
Most people would only have one small slice But you? You could eat a slice that's basically half the cake with two scoops of vanilla bean ice cream. Not vanilla ice cream, vanilla bean. There is a difference.
I wonder what you'd wish for if you could blow the candles out. Probably world peace or something else that is close to impossible.
I selfishly wish I could have you back. Even just for for a minute to hear you laugh to feel your hugs.
So I will celebrate every year. Maybe with a cake dense like my feelings of grief maybe a song maybe a poem. And one day, I might be able to describe you just right so everyone who didn't get to know you feel like they do and miss you too.
Happy 65th birthday Dad.
May 9, 2024
Tears cried Bloodshot eyes Swollen and puffy A broken heart that keeps breaking I’ve heard the feelings of grief are just love you never got to give. The overflow It’s also the realization that your life has changed forever No one will ever know the right thing to say if anything Or how to comfort Because you don’t even know what you need And the one thing, the one person who would fix it. Is the one person you can’t have. The longer you’re gone, the more I realize I had so much love to give. I woke up today and on my walk to work I saw a penny and picked it up. You are the lucky Pennies. The music I sing The art I create. You are with me In the laughs and smiles In the tears I cry.
2 responses
Rachael
Very energetic stream of consciousness pieces coming from a very raw place. I enjoyed them a bunch. Thank you. Msg me when you publish so I can support. 💜
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